The Fawn Response
We are biologically hardwired to seek attachment with our caregivers. We are driven to attach even if our caregivers are emotionally neglectful/unavailable, abusive, critical, shaming, etc. When we are children, we cannot escape our households and are forced into making the best of painful situations. This requires a child to dissociate and internally split into two parts. A part that can hold and maintain a feeling of attachment and a part that holds the reality of the neglect or abuse they are enduring.
The part that holds these negative feelings gets turned in on the self and manifests as self-loathing, shame, perfectionism, self-criticism, self-harming, binge eating, etc. The child turns the negative feelings inward because this gives them a sense of control - I’m the problem, so if I try hard enough, I can change my situation. Also, directing these negative feelings outward would be dangerous because it would likely result in more neglect or abuse. Often, children somaticize their suppressed painful feelings through chronic headaches, stomach aches, and illnesses, which can develop into suicide ideation and depression.
The part that wants to attach can develop a strategy of fawning, which means they learn to dissociate from their own needs and feelings to attune to the feelings and needs of others in the hopes of avoiding conflict, rejection, or abandonment. This means that they learn to disconnect from the distress they are feeling in their bodies, to appear as if everything is ok, in hopes that this will prevent further abuse or neglect. Often, adults who grow up using the fawn strategy will have difficulty remembering their childhoods and acknowledging the abuse or neglect that they have suffered.
Some beliefs that are a sign of being in a fawn response are:
If I care for others, I may get the care I need.
I keep myself safe by hiding my true feelings.
I make you happy by hiding my true feelings.
If I were to express my true feelings, you would be hurt.
I can be whatever someone needs me to be at any given moment.
I’m always walking on eggshells, making sure no one around me feels threatened by me or critical of me.
I can handle it. It’s no big deal.
They will report feeling:
I feel lost and unsure about who I am.
If I let people see me, they will see how ugly I am.
I must’ve done something wrong. Everything is my fault.
I have a lot of friends, but I don’t feel particularly close to anyone.
I feel invisible and like I don’t matter most of the time.
I have a hard time asking for help or showing that I’m struggling.
The burden of having experienced childhood trauma that resulted in developing a fawn survival strategy comes at the expense of not having a good sense of where one ends and others begin. This sense of merging with others and “losing yourself” to maintain connection is internalized as deep shame and is often described as living in a relational void. It feels like you’re there but also not there; this results in feeling alone even when surrounded by people. As you can imagine, many people who experience depression are living in a fawn state and often report feeling numb, detached from their body, and in a general state of fogginess.
People who fawn as an attachment strategy are generally highly empathic. This ability to be empathic makes it possible for them to prioritize the safety and comfort of those around them at the expense of their safety and comfort. This is important to point out because those who fawn internalize so much shame around being labeled “people pleasers” or “codependent.” Without this ability to experience empathy within conditions of neglect and abuse as children, people who fawn could have gone the other direction and, instead, identified with the abuser and become perpetrators of abuse themselves as a form of survival, completely denying the emotional experience of others.
Creating safety for oneself by hypervigilantly protecting and caring for others is no small feat. Also, this ability to split and disconnect from one’s feelings and hide one’s true self is born out of the necessity for self-preservation. The true self can stay intact in ways that it would’ve been destroyed otherwise. If given the right emotionally supportive conditions, people who fawn can begin to retrieve this lost sense of self by developing self-compassion and somatic awareness.
Coming out of a chronic fawn response is difficult because of the incredible terror underneath it. Fawn is a last resort response when fight, flight, or freeze has been unsuccessful at preventing neglect or abuse. It can be challenging to tolerate feeling all the feelings that have been suppressed for so long and, therefore, needs to be explored within a supportive relational container where it can be witnessed, re-parented, and allowed to learn what mutual, safe connection feels like. People who fawn do not know what it feels like to be able to stay in their body while being connected to someone else.
To be so little and feel so powerless is a humiliating and terrifying thing. It’s hard for us to think of ourselves as young, vulnerable children. Instead, we project onto our younger selves the strength and wisdom we’ve gained as adults and, therefore, criticize and banish these young parts for failing us. If we stopped projecting and instead started listening to these young parts’ stories, we’d be much nicer and more compassionate towards our adult selves. We could see our experiences through the lens of resilience and strength rather than the distorted lens of criticism and shame.
What can you remember about how your parents handled your being in physical or emotional pain?
Can you remember when you allowed waves of emotional expression to be felt while another person stayed close by, supporting you with their presence but not interfering with your process?
After high activation is completed, the body orients by looking for a safe primary caregiver to figure out what it needs to feel safe, connected, and nurtured. What thoughts or sensations do you notice coming up when you think about moving toward connection in hopes of receiving a sense of safety, comfort, or care?
